A shift happened towards the end of April. I was doing a lot, really diving head first into my creative process and working hard to establish my business. As good as it felt I ended up feeling extremely low energetically.

As excited as I knew I was for all my projects a wave of sadness swept over me for two weeks or so. I’ve been sad before but in those situations had an obvious reason and avoided saying I felt “ depressed” as I’ve witnessed the depth of depression and didn’t want to diminish its impact.

This is different though, I have no clear reason or trigger for feeling that intensely low. Both my healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms made little difference to alter my mood. It was a sadness that felt empty, hopeless, and so bleak it drained me of all motivation or care.

The two working theories I have is 1. burnout, as I was working hard in the days leading up to the lowness. I had been staying up late and working on different projects non-stop on my days off as well as after my shifts. I doubt this because I usually go to bed late- I’ve just never consistently done so from working on art.

The other thought #2: is that for a long time I dreamt of being so singularly focused and obsessed with the my craft to the point where it was the most appealing activity I could do- above video games, tv, sex, dating or any other distractions.

In my mind once I reached that point and attained that mindset, then I would be limitlessly happy. Now that I am in that place mentally I’ve realized that I made art a moving goal post for my happiness. “ if I spend this much time making art I’ll be happy, if I post art this often or make this much money off my art I’ll be happy”

There is of course the possibility that my depressive episode is a mixed combination of both variables, a third unknown factor, or lastly- I was just sad for no explicable reason.

The Lesson: until I figure it out it’s less about why I’m sad and more so about how I treat myself in response to it.