Ive been battling a wave of depression for the past month or so but recently made some pivotal realizations. Despite now having a good grip on the source of my sadness the feeling persists albeit not as intensely.

I spent a day very intentionally writing out my feelings, asking myself hard questions and listening carefully for the answers- I think that in large part took the edge off this process.

The feeling of not being my usual happy also seems to coincide with my unwillingness to mask as heavily as I used to. To the point I feel somewhat guilty for not being in higher spirits but then I think maybe that’s the discomfort of being used to people pleasing.

It almost feels like I’m reestablishing what my emotional baseline is and how I outwardly express that socially. I’m becoming more okay with that fact as I’ve come to understand that I need to preserve as much energy a possible for the craft.

The craft, it has indeed become obsessive to the point of struggling to do other things to maintain myself like eating, sleeping, and other important work.

The unfortunate reality is that I need to do those things because they allow me to work better. Getting out of the house and engaging with my community is another big one.

It’s always been a challenge for me because of my anxious fear of rejection but I do need to proactively reach out to friends and make plans. I have a bad habit of disappearing into myself until someone reaches out to make plans.

That’s not only unfair to them but also that much time by myself tends to be more detrimental than helpful, turning solitude into isolation.

I cherish the community I’ve curated and often have enlightening conversations that recharge me as much as I think myself an introvert.

The truth is having blocks of time dedicated to socializing forces me to be more intentional with the time I have left and also prevents me from burning out from overdoing it.

Besides that I’m getting more and more ready to apply for grants, galleries/exhibits, and group shows.

Being a full-time artist: what used to be a distant dream is now a necessity- there is no other way I will have the time necessary to explore all the things in my head, and I need to get them all out.

My greatest fear is not exploring or sharing all the happenings between my ears and behind my eyes. I don’t care much if they are well received, I just want to be brave enough to make it and put it out there.